FICTIONAL MAILBAG: COLLEGE FOOTBALL EDITION

Wouldn’t it be great if there was football going on right now? Wouldn’t it be great if there was something to write about other than football players getting arrested and coaches joining Twitter? Here’s a fictional mailbag, where I’ll answer questions that people might possibly ask us if they were currently reading this blog.

Sam in Omaha, NE: If you could be any college football player right now, who would you want to be?

RTGD: I think I’m going to automatically remove Tim Tebow from this debate, because that’s far too obvious, and I wouldn’t want the pressure of living a saintly existence, and would rather be free to spend my summers doing things that I enjoy, not necessarily going to circumcise babies in Bangladesh. I’d probably go with a quarterback at a big time football school. If Georgia had a sweet QB right now, I’d be him, but I don’t want to be Joe Cox. Ditto for Ole Miss, I don’t think I’d want to play for Houston Nutt, and being named Jevan Snead would be confusing every time I looked in the mirror. I’ll probably go with Colt McCoy. You get to have a totally sweet name. You get to play football for the Longhorns, who are the most beloved football team in a football crazy state. Your girlfriend is pretty hot, and even though you look a little like Frankie Muniz, your life is awesome. If I were him, I’d immediately start working on replacing Brett Favre in the Wrangler campaign, and only be seen with a big lipper of Coppenhagen and a bottle of Bud diesel. Colt McCoy, Sexual Icon.

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Colt at the Fiesta Bowl… Very nice.

Brooke in Athens, GA: You RTGD guys are sooo funny. Do you have any advice for making hilarious videos for all the rest of us who want to do that?

RTGD: Thanks, Brooke. We do rock, don’t we? If you’re interesting in making awesome web-videos like we make, first thing you should do is get someone who can handle a camera. The first guy wasn’t quite director material, and he was too busy seeking out saturated fats and carbs to keep the camera to his eye. (Actually this is a lie, because he was on a diet the entire time he was filming for us. But we lost him in a freak helicopter crash over Hispanola, and that was the turning point to our trip.) If I gave anyone any advice, it’d be to worry about the sound. If you say something hilarious, it doesn’t matter if you can’t hear it. Likewise, I’d actually have a gameplan for the videos before just going out there and walking around. Also — making sure that your camera is charged is always a good start, as well as making sure you have a fresh tape for footage. If you can’t take still photos, your video is going to suck. And finding a way to sneak your camera into the game is pretty important. That was a turning point for RTGD, even if it could’ve gotten us kicked out of the stadium. Most importantly, I’d recommend drinking before going on tape. There is nothing worse than listening to yourself talk, so you might as well take the edge off before doing it… the sound of your own voice is much easier to tolerate after a few cold ones.

Jimbo in Morgantown, WV: Is it true what I hear about Crest White-Strips?

RTGD: Yes, Jimbo, it is correct. Crest makes an entire family of products that help your general dental hygene, and could even salvage a few of your teeth if you follow the instructions on the box. While White-Strips are a fairly revolutionary idea, much of what they do can be done for you professionally at a dentist. For a listing of dentists in your own area, you can call Mr. 1-800 Dentist.

Blaine in Hermosa Beach, CA: If you were a high-profile recruit, would you go to USC now that Yahoo! Sports has basically put the writing on the wall for the NCAA?

RTGD: Blaine, ‘Sup bro? While USC may continue to Win Forever, I’m not sure I’d be too quick to hop into South Central, especially since hoops coach Tim Floyd got busted for paying O.J. Mayo’s guy straight cash homey, and Reggie Bush and his family took 300k while in school. That said, if I were to place a bet on who would win a dispute, the dunderheads at the NCAA or the crack staff at USC, I’d put my money on the guys in Southern Cal every day. That said, it looks like there could be a little trouble brewing at Heritage Hall, and if you’re looking into going somewhere with great weather and a Southern California vibe, you’re probably better off going to Westwood. Better campus and better depth chart. Late, bro…

Fat Mike in Ames, IA: Would you recommend taking a road trip like you took last year? Wasn’t it fun to see the country from the road and eat at a variety of fine dining establishments around the country?

RTGD: Fat Mike, I’ve got a feeling it might be right up your alley. But if you’re hoping to change your nickname, I’d recommend you find a different way to see 17 college football games. I, too, had visions of grandeur when we embarked on the road trip, but here’s a little tidbit for you. Driving across the country multiple times sucks. Blue Ribbon for suckiness has to go to the state of Texas, as I’d rather go a few rounds with Manny Pacquio than make that drive again. I almost can’t blame Anton Chiguar of No Country For Old Men for his rampage across West Texas. There is literally nothing else to do there. That said, there was some tasty culinary delights that we sampled, nearly all of them incredibly bad for you. Did you know there’s a philly cheesesteak place in Austin and Norman, OK called Texadelphia. It is delicious. And for all the blabbing you hear about Chick-Fil-A, it’s well deserved, and their milkshakes are also top notch. Last piece of advice on your roadtrip, make sure you have a satellite radio subscription, because scanning for channels during your ride across the middle of nowhere would get really annoying.

fatterstill working the weight off…

Dan from Tempe, AZ: Why do you hate our school so badly?

RTGD: Dan, I don’t hate ASU, it might just come off that way in my blogging. Really, it’s tough to blame anyone for becoming remarkable shallow and dimwitted when you go to school where it’s 100 degree and sunny all the time. I’d probably prefer the pool and a icy beverage to the library and a textbook, too. And for those of you who already went out and got that tribal arm band tattoo, or the chinese lettering on your bicep, it’s definitely the place to be. And for those gals who really work hard counting carbs and administering color highlights, you’ll be welcomed with open arms. But for a college football program and tailgating scene? Not the best place we visited. (Although watching people just unload footballs into crowds did supply some enjoyment. Until a 70-year-old guy took one in the head.)

asu+14We can build on this…

Holly Rowe, Provo, Utah: Why do you hate me?

RTGD: On the contrary, Holly. We don’t hate you. We love what you stand for. If I were a coach and I had a big game, I’d make sure every guy knew that if we didn’t handle our business, you’d be probing them the next week, trying to get insight on bouncing back from a disappointing loss. We may take a few mild pokes at the lack of substance behind your questions to coaches as they jog off the field at halftime, and at the way the makeup artist for ESPN decides to paint you like a circus clown, but it’s nothing personal. Besides, your ESPN bio says you’re working on a mystery novel and a screenplay. I may not be much for mystery novels, but I’d pay good money to read a script by the Holly Rowe. I can only guess what it’d be about…

Holly-Rowe-12.31He’s so disappointed, he can’t even look…

Erin A, Atlanta, GA: I know we could only share a few passing glances during the football season, but will you wait for me?

RTGD: Miss Andrews, RTGD waits for no one… But we could probably make an exception for you.

EA doing work

6 Responses

  1. Hey Holly, How’s that novel coming along? That big novel you’ve been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta compelling protagonist? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends?

    lol.

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