Meet the Teams: Kansas and Kansas State

Who needs the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party when you can catch the Battle for the Governor’s Cup in the Sunflower Showdown? Road To Game Day is turning a cold shoulder to the SEC in favor of a hated Big 12 Rivalry Game. We’ve seen Florida. We’ve seen Georgia, twice. Let’s spread the wealth a little. As we start a West Coast swing, here’s a look at the rosters of the Kansas Jayhawks and the Kansas State Wildcats.


Tang Bacheyie, SR Safety
Tang Bacheyie was destined for greatness when he won the Scout Team Offensive Player of the Week in 2005, like all who have won that award before him. He matriculated to the University of Kansas from Widsor, Ontario. When he wasn’t leading Sandwich High to the top ranking in Canada, he was fishing, snowshoeing, playing hockey, or eating at Tim Horton’s.

Dwyane Wade
Dwyane Wade is not Canadien, but he once ate at a Tim Horton’s when in Toronto playing the Raptors. And he looks a lot like Tang Bacheyie.

Jeff Wheeler, Junior DE
Jeff Wheeler was a 2007 Academic All-Big 12 Selection and the civil engineering major just wants to learn. Jeff is pondering making a switch to the Theater and Drama department to work on his comedic improv skills, hoping to land a gig on the silver screen opposite Will Ferrell, which has worked well for his twin:

John C. Reilly
If John C. Reilly can make that mug worth millions then Wheeler’s got a chance too. His dream of hosting the ESPY’s could come true as well, as long as ESPN meet’s their demands.

Todd Reesing. Junior QB
As a Sophomore Todd Reesing exploded on the national scene, passing for 260 yards and 4 touchdowns in his first collegiate start, and never looked back. He finished the year as a Davey O’Brien Award Semifinalist and an All-Big 12 Second Team selection by the coaches. He looks a little bit like the Keebler Elf, but unfortunately he even looks more like:

Spencer Pratt
Spencer is a world class turd who has a part in the reality show The Hills. If you ever wanted to waste 6 minutes of your life watching David Letterman make fun of Spencer Pratt on his show, now is your chance.

Joe Mortensen, SR Linebacker
Joe Mortensen looks a little bit like Mr. T. I pity the foo’s who match up with this Bronko Nagurski Trophy Watch List member. The Senior was an AP All-Big 12 first teamer and ranked 9th in the Big 12 last year in tackles per game with 8. If he ever decides to become an entrepreneur in the Hip-Hop industry don’t be his friend, he make take on the tendencies of:

Suge Knight
Suge Knight is a badass and not a friendly person. He was once accused of assaulting rapper Vanilla Ice and dangling him over a hotel balcony so Ice would sign over royalties to “Ice Ice Baby”. A major player in the East Coast-West Coast feud, Knight was driving the car that Tupac was shot in and received shrapnel to the head. Oddly enough, he won a scholarship to play football at UNLV and made the dean’s list.

Jake Schermer, JR Linebacker
Schermer was the KU Scout Team Offensive Player of the Week against Southeastern Louisiana and played as a backup linebacker and special teamer in 2007. He excelled at Geometry at Ozark High in Nixa, Missouri which worked well for him, since he looks like:
A Hexagon
In Geomety, a Hexagon is a polygon with six edges and six vertices. It can sometimes look like a human head.

Mark Mangino, Head Coach
No preview of the Jayhawk’s roster would be complete without touching on the leadership of Head Coach Mark Mangino. The rotund offensive mastermind took over in Lawrence in 2002 and led the Jayhawk program to heights not expected. Each day he takes his duty of keeping America safe from cupcakes seriously. Has been seen palling around with the Hamburgler, Mayor McCheese, Officer Big Mac, Ronald McDonald, and:

Grimace is a large, purple anthropomorphic being of the “wumpus” species of McDonaldland. He often gets jealous of Mark Mangino’s enormity.

And a couple highlights from Kansas State:

Daniel Calvin, JR DT
Daniel Calvin was a prep standout at Bakersfield High in California before following in both parents footsteps to illustrious Bakersfield Junior College. The Juco All-American was The Californian’s All-Area Defensive Player of the Year.

Kirk Lazarus/Robert Downey Jr.
Kirk Lazarus is a dude playing the dude thats disguised as the other dude. He is an academy award winning actor who doesn’t step out of character until he’s wrapped the DVD commentary. Or he is just a character in Tropic Thunder played by Robert Downey Jr.

Alesana Alesana, SR OL
Alesana Alesana is a mammoth offensive lineman who will anchor the line after a solid junior campaign. The 6′4 304 pounder from W. Samoa looks a little like a hybrid between Christopher Walken and Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men.

There’s a little similarity between these three…

If you saw either of them in the West Texas Desert you know you’re running for your life. Especially if they’re carrying an air gun.

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